“It must be 2020.” This refrain has been used to explain everything that has gone wrong this year including the pandemic, murder hornets, the death of some beloved celebrities and heroes, and even our own individual woes.
And believe me, I get it.
My friend Jenny in Atlanta had a literal dumpster fire a few blocks from her house recently. “2020, man.”
Nine friends of mine lost parents and one a spouse this year. My heart continues to go out to them all.
There were a few shimmering lights in my circle via the births of several adorable babies. (Welcome to the world, Ellie, Riima and Portia, Penelope, Ezra, and Thomas!) And just last weekend, a lovely friend received a marriage proposal from a wonderful guy. It has been awesome to have these things to celebrate during this dark time.
Still, we can probably agree that in many ways this year has sucked harder than the best Dyson vacuum on the market.
One of the reasons for this suckage has, unlike COVID, been completely within our control. It is the insane amount of frequent criticism lobbed at those who make different choices than ours. And because of social media (and more time spent at home on social media), the criticism has become louder, brasher, and harder to ignore.
In the good old days (before social media), we used to gossip with a friend or two about how another parent or friend did something/wore something/said something we did not like or agree with. We would roll our eyes and then we would oftentimes just move on. Kind? Probably not, but the scale of our condemnation was small.
Now? Watch out, world because no one is safe from having judgment of their words and actions broadcast to complete strangers.
I’m not going to even address our arguments over politics here because that’s another whole blog in itself. Still, I think the ugliness of our political divide has seeped into almost every other aspect of our lives.
Arlington Neighbors Judging Each Other Through COVID-19
In the early days of the pandemic, a kind soul created a local Facebook page called Arlington Neighbors Helping Each Other Through COVID-19. At times, it has lived up to its name and allowed Arlingtonians to feed frontline health-care workers and to give local business owners a boost.
At its worst, it has turned into a nasty vehicle for the self-righteous to pounce on original posters and commenters with utter contempt. It’s also a way for some original posters to broadcast to the over twelve thousand audience members why certain businesses should be boycotted, or why some people should be shamed all because they do not follow the poster’s personal standards of good behavior.
The battles of the self-righteous include the following:
Eating inside a ventilated restaurant while following COVID-safety protocols, to eating outside a restaurant, to eating only at home
Wearing or not wearing masks on outside trails
Having a pod of friends or not podding outside of your immediate family
Getting rapid COVID tests or getting non-rapid tests
(And, really, too many others to count)
The idea of “Good for her, not for me,” espoused by the great Amy Poehler in her book “Yes, Please,” has gone out the window. The new motto is “Terrible for them if I don’t agree with it and it doesn’t mesh with my worldview of how things should be.”
Can’t Have Kids Naturally? Welcome to Judgment Central
Recently a friend shared a link to an article about a couple who used embryo donation to have a child. Her comment below the link: “So we're out here adopting embryos when live kids need safe and loving homes?” I shared that one of my best friends chose embryo donation because she always wanted to be pregnant herself, didn’t have viable eggs, and is single. I wrote that I don’t think adoption is the choice for everyone or is easy for everyone to do. She said that it’s not the individual choice that bothers her, but the ethical gray area around it and the term embryo adoption, in general. A friend of hers noted that it’s because many white people don’t want the black or brown babies that are more readily available for adoption. When I shared that another friend and her husband adopted two boys of Native American descent, my friend said that while she understands that people need to work within the system we have, and that she’s sure my friends are good people, that there is “a long, very bad history of non-Native people adopting Native children.“
So essentially, my friends who couldn’t have kids naturally are screwed whatever choice they make. I’m not saying we shouldn't raise ethical questions as technology makes it easier to create “designer babies,” but her initial comment is fraught with contempt and a lack of empathy for those who have experienced the heartbreak of infertility and been forced to make difficult choices if they want to become parents.
Arlington Education Matters Only if You Agree with Me
Another local Facebook page called Arlington Education Matters started as a place to share best practices, to advocate for more outside-the-box learning opportunities, and to help support some of our poorer school communities. It has morphed into a finger-pointing, screaming mess.
We have
The “You want teachers to die by opening schools before we are ready” group versus the “My kid is falling so far behind he’ll never get into college, so we need to reopen schools now” crew
The “My kid and a few of his friends are thriving with virtual learning, so why don’t we all chill out” group versus the “My kid is breaking down in hysterical tears every day, and I’m at the end of my rope” crew
And the “Kids’ eyes and brains will be ruined by so much screen time” group to the “Technology is our savior right now, so stop complaining about it” crew.
Several months ago, I witnessed—as if watching a car crash—two friends of mine, who do not even know each other, fight over their competing beliefs on a post in this group.
It is as if so many of us have forgotten not only our manners but the idea that we all have our own experiences and risk tolerance.
Are there times when people need to be called out for their bad behavior and specific choices? Maybe, if a wide swath of people will be harmed. But ninety-nine percent of the time, these choices are not matters of life and death. They are matters of preference.
Interestingly, while I had friends arguing online that teachers didn’t want to go back to school, I had several teacher friends telling me in private that they really wanted to go back to school to teach, and they thought the risk was worth it.
One size does not fit all in terms of how we should cope and behave during 2020.
As we approach first, Thanksgiving and finally, (Thank you, Lord!) a new year, can we please try to hold back our vitriol against others whose beliefs and actions differ from our own?
Can we recognize that there is room in this world for multiple views?
Thank you for reading, my friends. I love you all (even if some of you like to put mayonnaise on your burgers).
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| Think before ye judge |
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