If I were Sheen’s Intern and Why we Probably Shouldn't Laugh

Charlie Sheen posted an ad for an intern earlier this week. The text mentions working up close and personal with Charlie Sheen to “promote and develop the social media network of Hollywood’s most trending celebrity.”

This means I would need a makeover which would involve some peroxide (I don’t think my brown hair would cut it), a miracle bra (I’m not tiny in that department but they don’t defy gravity either) and probably a voice change a la Abby Flynn who spoke baby talk on last week’s 30 Rock episode. Then I would buy some disinfectant, possibly a bubble (who knows what kind of fluids and other substances I’d be in contact with?) Then it would be time to get to work learning from the man who will forever be associated with the word “Winner”.

Here are some sample tweets. I think I’m a shoe in for the job.

Faux tweet #1

Upgraded tiger blood for some lion blood. Lions are the king of the jungle; I am the king of twitter #guinnessrecordholdersuckitgirlwithreallylongnails

Faux tweet #2

So “middle-America” thinks I’m crazy? Is it crazy to refer to people who disagree with me as trolls? #ifJRRTolkiencancandoitsocanI

Faux tweet #2 (continued)

Is it crazy to want to be with porn stars who also moonlight as my kids’ babysitters?  #pornstarsarepeopletoo

Faux tweet #2 continued

Is it crazy to demand a raise when I’ve just trashed my boss over every media format there is? #notcrazyjustspecial

Faux tweet #3

Don’t they know I’m a movie star, man? My role in Loose Women as the Barbie Loving Bartender is Oscar-worthy stuff, bro #IMDBcheckitoutyoucan’tmakethisstuffup

Faux tweet #4

@abigailbreslin @dakotafanning I hear you’ll be legal in 6 yrs and 4 yrs respectively. Call me or tweet me then #notatallcreepy

Now, I’m going to stop right there. While Charlie Sheen’s breakdown has been media and blogosphere gold, there’s something innately sad and creepy about turning a man’s fall from grace into a daily form of entertainment. 

Why are we as a culture so obsessed with this story? Or is it the media that’s obsessed and the rest of us are just going along for the ride?

Here are my theories:

1.     
      People are drawn to watching a train wreck/circus freak show because:

a.       It makes them feel better about the problems in their own lives. “Hey,” they think, “I may be getting divorced or unemployed but at least I haven’t been as publically humiliated as this guy and I am at least in touch with reality.”

b.      People love to see cracks in a celebrity’s publically created persona. Typically, celebrities true selves are highly protected by managers, public relations reps and other handlers that when we see someone who has gone rogue with his messaging, there's the danger/surprise factor of, ooh, what will he say or do next? Especially someone who has spouted as memorable phrases as “tiger blood”, the goddesses” and “Vatican assassin warlock.” He went from R-rated devilish but likeable playboy, to mentally unstable, deluded shadow of a man within a very short period of time.  

c.       His fall from grace has been so fast and so large it’s almost unmatched. Charlie Sheen isn’t just another D-list celebrity addict on a VH1 or Bravo reality show. For 8 years he was the highest paid actor on television with millions of viewers tuning in to see his top-rated show.  He’s now unemployed, heading in a downward spiral with no end in sight and his image and reputation which were perilous at best have now been undeniably destroyed. It's just not something we see every day.

From the media’s perspective, never have they had such access to a celebrity without all those handlers telling them what they can and can’t say or ask. They know innately that it’s wrong to spend so much time focused on an ill, unstable man but the ratings devil over their right shoulder continues to trump the moral compass angel on their left one.

I’ve personally have had mixed feelings about turning Sheen’s human frailty into comedy. On the one hand, when a person says that he’s “tired of pretending he’s not special” it’s hard not to snicker at the sheer audacity and ego expressed in that comment. On the other hand, I’ve always been taught not to poke fun at the mentally or physically challenged and Sheen definitely falls into the former category. He has lost all perspective on the difference between fame and infamy.

History has taught us that celebrity breakdowns like this usually don’t end well.

I hope Sheen doesn’t become the latest in a long line of stars to die before his time before he gets the medical help he needs.

And I think it's time I stop making jokes at his expense.