Advice for My Daughter

Nearly every day, Holly begs us to get her ears pierced. We told her she could do it on her 9^th birthday. “I’m never going to turn 9,” she wails.  Although 9 is less than 8 months away, in her mind, it’s an eternity.

I’ve always found it funny how kids are always in such a rush for time to go by while adults constantly engage in a losing battle against the clock.  

As parents we both look forward to our children getting older (Fewer tantrums! Can play independently! Less chance of them sticking their fingers in a socket and getting electrocuted!) and we dread it (Won’t want to hold our hands anymore! Exposure to sex and drugs!  Advanced mood swings and constant eye rolling!).

Unfortunately, any control we have over speeding up or slowing down our children’s aging process is right up there with having x-ray vision and willing ourselves to be a size 4 without exercising or eating right – a lovely pipe dream.

So what can we do? Well, I’ve decided to prepare my daughter for an inevitable future of unrequited crushes, challenging schoolwork, and friend drama with the following advice from someone who has been there.

1.       Real friends are those that support you in bad times AND good. Much has been written about true friends being there for you when times are tough, but I say it’s just as important that these friends support you when things go well. The friends that are worth sticking with will celebrate your successes with you even if they feel envious. And remember that this works both ways: be happy for your friends even if things didn’t go as planned for you. Your own disappointment shouldn’t trump your friends’ joy.

2.       Learn the difference between infatuation and love. When you are INFATUATED with a guy, you’ll feel like you can’t wait to see him even if it’s only been 30 minutes since you last saw him.  You’ll think about him constantly and you’ll try to work his name into every conversation you have (Owen has a mother too!) You’ll know you LOVE him when the pheromones have worn off and you don’t have to be together every second. He has his own life and you have yours, however the two of you complement each other in the best ways. You know his quirks and weaknesses (and he yours) but you can both make peace with them instead of want to consistently change each other. Your mutual attraction isn’t the main thing you have in common. It exists, but it falls below values, general compatibility, friendship, sense of humor, and respect for each other and other people.

3.       Be confident and secure, but check your ego at the door. Study after study has shown that when a large percentage of girls hit puberty, their confidence and self-worth take a nose dive. I was unfortunately one of those girls myself. I hope you deviate from the norm and stay poised and secure with who you are and what you stand for. At the same time, learn to listen to others and to be open to different ideas. Apologize when you are wrong and needlessly hurtful, but don’t apologize simply to avoid conflict or out of habit. Be proud of your accomplishments while also giving credit to those who helped you along the way.  Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t because you think others will like you better.  

4.    Don’t fear challenges. Life is going to knock you down sometimes. Instead of staying on the ground or running away, you’re going to have to get up again and again and keep moving. Here are some unequivocal truths: School will get more difficult. Someone you care about will disappoint you. You will fail at something you tried hard to accomplish. You will fall for someone who won’t like you back. Getting through these things will make you a better and stronger person. Like they illustrated in the brilliant movie, Inside Out, Joy doesn’t work without Sadness. Success is only sweet after you taste the sourness of failure. The more you experience challenges, the easier it will be to overcome them later. Embrace change.

5.       Life isn’t always fair – don’t constantly compare yourself to others. 8-year-olds are very concerned about fairness – i.e. “I got 4 Hershey’s kisses and she got 5. That’s not fair!” As you get older, you’re going to sometimes get the equivalent of 100 Hershey’s kisses to someone else’s 2, and other times get 2 kisses to someone else’s 100. Between parents’ different rules, unique circumstances, and pure luck, life is often not going to be fair. You can spend your life frustrated and angry at these perceived or actual inequalities or you can do your best to make the most of your own situation. Like the serenity prayer says "God  grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  You’ll be a much happier person if you follow this guidance.

I hope that my daughter follows this advice. Given that I am her mother, I will have to pretend that it came from someone else since she won’t believe I have a clue anything until she’s about 25.