Marriage Lessons After 50 Years

My wonderful in-laws celebrated 50 years of marriage on July 14. Last night, we finally got the chance to celebrate with them at L’Auberge Chez Francois, a swanky, fabulous French restaurant in Great Falls, VA.

The last time we were there together, 14 years ago, my parents, in-laws, fiancé and I were celebrating our engagement. This time, we were missing my dad who passed away 8 years ago though had an extra little person in our midst: our 9-year-old daughter. 

The food and service were exceptional. The conversation was even better.  We reminisced with my in-laws about their courtship and talked at length about what it takes to make it to 50 years of (mostly) wedded bliss.

My mother-in-law, Irene lived in Scotland when she first met my father-in-law, John who was in the Navy and stationed near her hometown. She was an aspiring hair dresser and he wasn’t sure where the next phase of his life would take him. When it came time for him to go back to the States, he promised he’d write her and bring her back with him to get married shortly thereafter. They both had seen many other couples make similar promises which often ended with the young Scottish lass returning home not long afterwards - alone. The culture change and lack of true compatibility coupled with homesickness was too much for some of those relationships to bear.

Irene informed John that if he wanted to write and come back he could, but if he didn’t, she’d be okay. She said she wanted to “give him an out” rather than feel like he had to follow through just because. He said he had no intention of taking it.

He telegrammed her the day he arrived back home and soon afterwards she made the trip to New York City for the first time.  Now John lived in Utica, New York, “a good 4 hours” from NYC. When she arrived there was a transit strike and she had no idea how to get to Utica. She asked some strangers at Grand Central Station how much money she needed to make a phone call and managed to get John on the phone and asked if he could swing by to pick her up. (I mean; how big could New York be?) Eventually, they were reunited and married six months later.

I asked John what it took to get to 50 years of marriage.  First, he half-joked, “you need to live long enough to make it.” Then more seriously he said “You need to take each day at a time. For me, it helps that I married my best friend. We really enjoy each other’s company.”  

He told the story of how many years ago he was very stressed over a big career move and how it comforted him when Irene said to him, “Whatever you choose to do and whatever the outcome, we will still have each other and we’ll be alright.” He said that statement of love and support meant the world to him.

When I asked about how they got through the difficult times, he laughingly said “It helps to have a bad memory.” Then more seriously, he talked about how there really is some truth in that. If you constantly dwell on and bring up past grievances and wrong doings, it doesn’t do your marriage any good. Life is full of ups and downs. None of us are perfect or handle every situation as skillfully as we should. If you can get through the illnesses and mistakes, the financial hard times and the losses without leaving each other or tearing each other down, you’re already ahead of the game.

He talked about how marriage changes over time from an initial physical and emotional love connection, to a partnership in parenting, house managing, etc., then to eventual caretaking. They haven’t reached this stage yet, as they are luckily (knock on wood) both in good health, but they’ve seen friends of theirs go through this in recent years. 

I’m so lucky to have witnessed the last 18 years of their marriage and hope that my husband and I will be around to share our own stories of (mostly) wedded bliss in 37 years.