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| Sample Comments from a #MeToo article |
After the latest “older dude who abused his power with sexual harassment” scandal, I did what I always do and then typically regret: I read the comment sections on both news articles and social media. You would think after the millionth time, that more folks might be “woke” and realize that sexual harassment, assault, and men behaving badly has been more pervasive throughout the years than most people realized.
Instead, I consistently see the same type
of comments again and again:
- “Why did these women wait all these years to come forward?”
- “I don’t believe them. These women just want money/notoriety/attention."
- “No way that’s true. He’s one of the good guys!"
- “At least he’s not as bad as Harvey Weinstein."
- “Before long, it will be: don’t talk to women, don’t smile at women, don’t look at women.”
These comments make me cringe even more than fingernails
down a blackboard, a screaming baby on an overseas flight, me when I watch a Curb
Your Enthusiasm marathon.
I’d like to personally address (aka tear apart) each of these
comments in this post.
“Why did these women
wait all these years to come forward?”
First, of all. Some of them didn’t wait. They tried to talk
to their bosses, Human Resources, or any one in the workplace who they thought
could help them. Many were shut down, had their cases dismissed without an
actual investigation, were moved to other positions, or fired – all to protect
the powerful. A 2003 study of harassment in the workplace stated that 75% of
employees who spoke out about workplace mistreatment faced some form of retaliation.
To those who waited, many were afraid they wouldn’t be
believed (shocking), were ashamed and embarrassed, wanted to pretend the abuse
never happened, or, at the time, resigned themselves that the harassment was what
women had to put up with in a male-dominated society.
Dear ignorant commenter, if you haven’t been in the
situation yourself, you truly have no idea how you would react. To all the Judgey
McJudgersons, seriously, just STFU.
“I don’t believe
them. These women just want money/notoriety/attention.”
A poll this April by the Pew Center showed that 31% of
people said that women making false claims of being sexually harassed or
assaulted is a major problem in today’s workplace. Interestingly, data only
suggests that between
2-6% of these claims are found or suspected of being false, on par with the
false reporting of other crimes. Why are people so much more likely to believe
that a woman would make up a story about something so hideous and awful as
sexual assault, than the statistics belie?
I believe that some of it is related to some ongoing negatively
held stereotypes about women in general. How many of us have heard men say the
following: “Women will lie, cheat, and steal for fame and fortune. Women just
want attention and will do anything to get it. She just wants revenge because
he wasn’t into her. That woman is unattractive, why would (insert powerful man)
harass her?”
These statements are ugly, misogynistic, and categorically
untrue. The Real Housewives of (insert city) aside, most of us aren’t like
that. We don’t see making a false sexual
harassment story as the path to glory, or the way to “get back at a man.” It’s
extremely insulting how little you think of us as a species.
Also, if you look at what most victims of sexual harassment
and assault are asking for – it’s not about money, it’s about justice. Justice so
that other women don’t have to endure the same crap they did.
“No way that’s true.
He’s one of the good guys!”
In her recent, thoughtful opinion piece, Monica
Hesse talked about how good guys can also be bad guys and that we shouldn’t
be so surprised when people show the many different shades of themselves.
Nearly two years ago, I wrote
a post about how I was groped by a junior high classmate who later went on
to play Division 1 football, and a few years ago was arrested for domestic
assault and witness intimidation by strangulation. That classmate passed away suddenly
a few months ago.
At first when I saw the outpouring of love, grief, and
support on social media about what a gentle giant and sweet teddy bear he was,
I silently screamed inside. How could they not know that this guy was really a
bad guy? But then I saw in his obituary that his family said the following: “S. will be remembered in
many different lights, by numerous people who encountered him at different
stages of his life and career. Most importantly, he would want to be remembered
for the way he loved his parents and siblings, his children, his family and
friends.” Could it be that he wasn’t only a bad guy? Not every abuser treats
everyone the same. I wish life was as black and white as many of us would like it
to be, but it’s not. A “good guy” can also be a bad one in certain circumstances
and vice versa.
“At least he’s not as
bad as Harvey Weinstein.”
As Monica also pointed out in her article, the Harvey
Weinstein stories set the bar so high. It’s clear he was a major scum bag and
his actions deplorable. But why should all men be measured against his actions?
Women should not have to put up with being treated as objects to be used and abused
to give men pleasure and make them feel powerful. Just because a man’s behavior
isn’t Weinstein-level bad, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. While bringing down
Weinstein was necessary and eye opening to many, it’s made other inappropriate
and even illegal actions seem, well, almost quaint. This is wrong.
“Before long, it will
be: don’t talk to women, don’t smile at women, don’t look at women.”
This last quote was taken directly from a comment on a
Washington Post article about Les Moonves. Seriously? While a small part of me
understands the fear of the pendulum swinging a little too far in the other
direction (Cough. Aziz Ansari. Cough), I would like to think that understanding
the basic differences between what constitutes sexual harassment and what doesn’t,
is fairly obvious.
If you still need help, here is a new video courtesy of the
always honest, always hilarious John Oliver to help you: Workplace Sexual Harassment:
Last Week Tonight
Thanks for reading my rant. Now please stop commenting with
any of the above ever again.
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