H: Mom, where do babies come from?
Me: Well honey, they grow in moms’ bellies, their uteruses to be exact.
H: Well, how do they get into moms’ bellies? I know they don’t come from the store.
I paused. All sorts of thoughts raced through my head. I knew I didn’t want to lie to her but I also feel that at the age of three, she is a little too young for a graphic depiction of how male and female body parts join to form a person. Two days earlier I dealt with the embarrassment of her screaming out the word “Boobies!” at the doctor’s office upon seeing a photo of bras in a Good Housekeeping magazine and then grabbing at mine. I knew that I didn’t want to tell her that babies are the result of when Mommies and Daddies love each other and hug and cuddle (like one friend’s parents told her as a child) because:
A. I would still be lying to her.
B. It could create some serious confusion when she sees me and J snuggling together on the couch.
C. One of her best friends doesn’t have a dad and another former classmate is adopted. Both of these are things she’s commented on more than once in the past so this response isn’t applicable to her own life experiences.
In pure cowardly form, I said: “I’ll explain it more to you when you are a little older.”
H, disappointed said “Aw, mom.” And then let the conversation drop.
I’ve already told H about her private parts and tried to explain the difference between good and bad touches, though awkwardly so. I’ve always encouraged her to talk to me about anything. Why did I have such a difficult time with this? Is any of it due to my somewhat uptight New England upbringing where "don't ask or tell" was the norm for my family? I think it’s because I’m still trying to figure out how much information is too much for H to handle and how young is too young to discuss certain topics with her. Plus, maybe I do have my own hang ups and embarrassment to get past as well.
I don’t remember how old I was when I learned what sex involved. I know my parents bought me the cartoon book “Where Did I Come From?” when my brother was born (I was 4 ½) but didn’t show it to me until a number of years later. I recall giggling at the illustrations and the thought of doing THAT with anyone.
Today, there are a lot more books on the market that explain to children how babies are made. Most are geared towards 7-to-10-year-olds and a number of them address the issue from a religious perspective. One book that was recommended to me before I even became a parent and is geared towards 4-to-8-year-olds is called It’s Not the Stork! which, based on the very positive comments on Amazon, seems to be a winner.
Why do so many of us freeze when the conversation turns to sex? In our society, the topic is definitely taboo especially when talking to the bi-products of sex – our children. A group I’ve never been a big fan of, the Parents Television Council (PTC), recently came out with a study that stated that prime time TV shows that appeal to teenagers are promoting the sexualization of girls at younger and younger ages and at higher frequencies than ever before and they advocate for a reversal of this trend. In the past, I’ve tended to roll my eyes at some of the things the PTC has disapproved of in the past. The fact that they consider themselves to be the morality police who represent all parents irks me. They often ignore the multifaceted way that some of the better quality shows handle sexual issues. I get the sense that they'd prefer we go back to the time when parents weren't even shown sleeping in the same bed. However, it’s hard to argue with them about shows like Gossip Girl, 90210 and a few others. Should these shows change their depictions of sexual situations and teenage girls? As I often am, I’m torn. I definitely think as this EW writer points out, that the answer is that Hollywood needs to create more intelligent shows about teenagers – ones who abstain, ones who practice safe-sex, and others who run the gamut - both on TV and on the Internet. I would like to think that the previously mentioned shows could become more responsible about their presentation of teenagers but mostly I believe that parents should be much more involved in what their kids watch.
I’ll never forget that during the first communications class I took in my freshman year of college, the professor, Dr. Dee, stood up on top of her table in front of a 250+ person lecture and said “The most important thing you can do when you are older is to watch television with your children.” This is very true. Kids and pre-teens especially need a parental figure to help determine if a show/site is appropriate for them and to help them make sense of what they are seeing. Many parents use television as a babysitter and don’t take the time they should to really watch what their children read and view. Maybe if they did, there would be more opportunities to talk about sex in a meaningful, unforced way. And both the children and the parents could get past their embarrassment.
I hope that I can before my daughter decides to look elsewhere for answers to the questions I’m too cowardly to answer.
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