Stopping the Shame Spiral by Accepting Our Imperfect Selves

I can name seven personal flaws in roughly the same number of seconds. My strengths take a lot longer for my mind to process because I’ve spent way too many hours of my life focusing solely on my shortcomings. 

I have 4K Ultra HD footage of my greatest faux pas, embarrassments, and mortifications in Volumes 1 through 122 replaying in my mind on a weekly basis. The topics are neatly separated into categories like Made Fool of Self in Front of Boys I Liked, Hurt People’s Feelings, Work Humiliations, Bad Hair, Body, Clothes Days, and General Indignities, to name just a few. I’ve relived these moments gloomily like Eeyore with his ever-present raincloud for so long that I don’t think I knew how to or if I could stop.

Then I was introduced to Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection.

My theology group from last year decided to focus on this glorious book beginning this September to help us address our collective insecurities and to build into our lives time for play, rest, resilience, gratitude, and self-compassion, among other concepts. The basis for much of Brené’s work involves “Daring Greatly;” being courageous by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and acknowledging and addressing shame to get to our authentic selves. Brené describes the differences between embarrassment and shame as externally focused (Ex. "I did something dumb, so everyone laughed at me.") versus internally-focused ("I am dumb, so everyone laughed at me.")

While many of the clips in my “lowlight” reel might seem merely embarrassing to some, I’ve had many moments where I have truly felt that I am bad, stupid, careless, hurtful etc. I’ve decided it’s time to address some of the top repeat offenders publicly, own them, and then let my fear and self-consciousness go.

Cheater Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

I was a sophomore in high school and missed a history test because I was out sick. I forgot that the makeup test was impending until 5 minutes before it began. As I sat in the administrator’s office about to take the test, I tried to hastily study and purposely left my book and notes casually open in front of me under my seat. As soon as I looked at the test, I realized I knew almost nothing and decided to take a few quick peeks at the material. Unfortunately, the administrator saw my glances, became suspicious, accused me of cheating, and though I professed my innocence, stopped the test and told my teacher. My teacher who liked and trusted me told the administrator that she had to have been wrong. That I was a very honest person who would never cheat and let me retake the test. I never confessed, though could never look him in the eye again. I ended up having additional time to study and got an A on the test. It’s time though that I forgave myself for this thing that happened so long ago. It wasn’t indicative of who I was then or who I am now as a person. It was wrong but I should not let it define me.

The Difference Between .Com and .Gov can Mean XXX

A few years ago, before I went to work for myself, I was placed on a new team at the Department of Transportation and I wanted to make a good impression. The job entailed making enhancements to multiple DOT web sites. One of the sites was the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration (FMCSA). I was informed it was easier to bookmark each site but hadn’t done so yet. When I typed in FMCSA’s site, my screen was suddenly flooded with images of naked people and animals caught in very disturbing positions. I immediately screamed out “Oh God, it’s porn!” Unsurprisingly, my team comprised at that time of just me and six dudes came quickly running over. I found out that I had stumbled ─ with my work computer ─ onto some sort of horrific animal, and adult and child pornography site by typing .com instead of .gov on the end of the agency acronym. While I didn’t lose my job over pulling up porn at work, I still turn beet red thinking of that moment. These types of comical-to-others, cringe-inducing to me errors tend to happen regularly to me. In fact, just a few short weeks ago, I loudly informed my husband on our anniversary that I had my period after stepping out of the shower, not knowing he was on speakerphone with a colleague. It’s easy to think that these things only happen to me, but the fact is everyone has lapses in judgment. If we can find a way to laugh along, it will help reduce the long-term feelings of inadequacy.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Last week, I was at a charity event. I was talking to a fairly new acquaintance of mine with my husband by my side. The woman mentioned that her boyfriend was unable to attend with her because he had to do something with his children. When my husband asked how many children they both had, she replied that she had three and her boyfriend had two. “You are so close to having your own Brady Bunch,” I loudly exclaimed. She quietly nodded and moved on not long afterward. My husband then turned to me and said, “Don’t you remember that you told me you found out that she lost a child a few years ago?” Oh, crap, I thought to myself. Hurting people’s feelings always makes me feel terrible – unintentionally or not. I always try to be extra-sensitive to people’s emotions, but I’ve said the wrong thing more times than I care to count. I know that I have to forgive myself for these verbal gaffes instead of reimagining them like Lisa Simpson the moment she broke Ralphie’s heart, but it’s been challenging. I’m working on self-acceptance and compassion, but it’s definitely a process.

I hope that by airing a few of my own humiliating moments, others will realize their own aren’t so bad. We all experience personal indignities. While it may be hard to genuinely see our imperfections as gifts, they are a part of us. It’s only when we accept ourselves, flaws and all, that we can truly be real with others. I do and will continue to have moments where I make mistakes, do something flaky, or say the wrong thing. However, I’m still a smart, kind, generous, warm, brave, caring, loving person....and I nailed those in seven seconds. Progress!